Autism and making friends
In general, children and teenagers on the autism spectrum find social situations and interactions more difficult so can struggle to make friends. The social development of autistic children can lag 2-3 years behind their peers. Where others somehow manage to understand the signals and unspoken rules of how to engage with each other, it can be confusing, stressful and exhausting for a young person with autism.
Let’s look at some of the behaviours that children and teenagers on the autistic spectrum can display. They can:
- prefer to play (engage in enjoyable activities) alone/or obsess about having friends
- appear withdrawn/or very social and talkative
- seem indifferent to others/or having opinions about what almost everyone does
- accept contact if initiated by others but not initiate contact themselves
- be difficult to comfort if upset
- use very formal language and want to stick rigidly to the rules
Masking and mirroring: some children, particularly girls, are good at disguising (masking) their autism by copying (mirroring) the behaviour of their peers, helping them to blend in. However, this puts a huge strain on them and can result in meltdowns when the need for masking/mirroring ends; for example, after a day at school.
Understanding emotions
‘Alexithymia’ is when a person has difficulty identifying, experiencing and expressing emotions. It can be linked to several conditions, including autism. Being able to communicate and recognise emotions is an integral part of friendship. So an adolescent or child with ASD can often be perceived as shallow or rather cold if they are not responding as expected.
Most children on the autistic spectrum understand the emotional concepts of happy, angry and sad. This is a good base to start from. Working together with your child, you can gradually expand on this to include other feelings (such as surprised, frustrated and confused).
Children with ASD often respond to things that they can see or read, that tells them what they are supposed to do. It can help to draw up a list of feelings which you can then categorise and colour code. For example, write negative feelings in red and positive ones in green.
Cartoons are a useful resource for teaching facial expressions, particularly with young children. By their very nature, they are over-exaggerated. Watch a cartoon together and:
- pause it at appropriate moments
- discuss what is happening
- explore why characters are behaving in such a way
- copy facial expressions
- see if you can predict what will happen next
What is a friend?
This may seem obvious but a child on the autism spectrum needs to know what a friend is. It is difficult to be someone’s friend if you don’t know what that means. Many children and teenagers with ASD misunderstand normal social cues and can mistake the interaction of someone making fun of them, for example, as friendship.
Children with ASD also struggle with abstract concepts like ‘friendship’ so you should be literal when discussing what a friend is. Use simple, clear language to explain ideas like: ‘a friend is someone who treats you nicely’, ‘someone you have fun with’. You can ask questions such as ‘Do you like being with people who say nice things to you?’
- Friends like you for who you are
- They share things with you
- Friends let you join in
- They are interested in what you have to say
- They can cheer you up when you feel sad
- Friends can stand up for you if someone isn’t being nice to you
- Friends make you feel good
Not all friendships are the same. For adolescents, explain that there are different types of ‘friends’:
- Best friends
- Friends
- Acquaintances
- Colleagues
Discuss the different types of relationships that you could have with friends from each of these groups (eg colleagues have work in common but the friendship can be superficial while best friends have deeper, more personal relationships).
Conclusion
Many children and teenagers with ASD struggle with social skills and situations. But they can make and keep friends and gain acceptance from their peers. Children and teenagers with ASD bring many strengths to a friendship. They are loyal, accepting, honest and funny. As a parent, you can help them celebrate those strengths so they understand that they can be a great friend to someone.
We are here to help
We are here to support and care for you as a family. We work with children and teenagers, along with their families, diagnosing and treating those who have developmental disorders like ADHD. As child psychiatrists, we have medical degrees which allow us to prescribe medication (if appropriate) as well as delivering therapy. If you have concerns, do get in touch. We can chat over the phone and establish what the issues are.
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