ASD and the challenges of feelings and emotions

20 February 2024

ASD and the challenges of feelings and emotions

‘Theory of mind’ describes the ability to understand the feelings, beliefs, desires and intentions of others including understanding that other people will not necessarily share the same feelings, beliefs, desires and intentions as oneself. It’s a skill that typically develops in children around the ages of 3-5.

For some individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), they experience challenges in developing and using this skill. This means that children and teenagers on the autism spectrum can often have difficulty understanding and predicting the thoughts, feelings and intentions of others which makes social interactions and communication challenging.

Making friends

Understanding feelings and emotions is an important part of making and keeping friends – which can be challenging for children and teenagers with ASD. However, it’s important for them to understand that they don’t have to be friends with everybody. They just need to be friends with people who make them feel happy – and if that’s just one or two people, then that’s okay. And pretty much everyone is looking for a friend, not just those with ASD. So while your teenager with ASD may be feeling anxious about rejection, the uncertainty of where all this might lead, making themselves vulnerable, point out that we can all feel like this when it comes to making friends. Help them manage their anxiety and set realistic expectations for them (not everyone will want to be their friend; it can be disappointing – that’s okay).

Maintaining friendships

Friendships are a bit like plants; they need looking after to keep them going. For younger children, this is often supported by the parents – arranging play dates, taking them to after school events and so on. Teenagers spend more time with their peers, beginning to segment into different groups, so parents are less able to drive the friendship agenda.

But friendship works best when it’s a two-way process, with both friends taking the time and effort to keep the friendship going. If it becomes one-sided – one friend feeling they are making all the effort – that’s when friendships break down. So your teenager should:

Keep their friend in mind (when their birthday is, what is going on in their life)
Arrange to meet up with their friend/s regularly
Check in on their friend (ask them how they are)
Listen to them; don’t just talk about themselves
Be there for their friend when they need them; it’s not just about being a fair weather friend

Practising and role play

Children and teenagers with ASD need a bit more time and repetition to gain a new skill. So practising together will help them prepare for new situations and tackle any potential problems or pitfalls in a safe space (with you); for example, ordering a drink in a coffee shop or getting on the bus and talking to the driver. Enrol family members and friends to help your child practice these new skills.

Role playing gives your child or teenager the time they need to work through different social situations that they may have trouble with; for example, starting a conversation, inviting someone to join in an activity with them or joining in another person’s activity. Role playing will help them understand facial expressions, body language and work out appropriate responses.

Conclusion

Friendships are an important and fulfilling part of life. For children and teenagers, friendship helps them develop socially and emotionally. It’s where they learn about give and take, negotiation, co-operation and managing emotions.

If someone doesn’t understand social norms, can’t recognise sarcasm or suspect lying or understand the concept of engaging in reciprocal conversations, they will struggle to make friends and can be vulnerable to teasing, bullying or even exploitation. And that is often the challenge for children and teenagers with ASD.

In addition, young people with ASD are often accidentally overly blunt, are insistent on things being done their way, can talk about themselves and their interests too much or disengage if disinterested /overwhelmed. These actions then frequently contribute to friendship breakdown as opposed to not managing to make friends in the first place. Also, teenagers with ASD, often through misinterpretation and misunderstanding, take things personally. As a result, they become overly upset which can result in withdrawal, again resulting in breakdown in friendships.

Early detection of ASD is crucial for early intervention and tailored support. Educational strategies can help children and teenagers with ASD improve their theory of mind skills. There is also a lot you can do as a parent to help. Harness your child’s unique view on the world and their great attention to detail. An eye for detail is invaluable for picking up new skills.

We are here to help

We are here to support and care for you as a family. We work with children and teenagers, along with their families, diagnosing and treating those who have developmental disorders like ADHD. As child psychiatrists, we have medical degrees which allow us to prescribe medication (if appropriate) as well as delivering therapy. If you have concerns, do get in touch. We can chat over the phone and establish what the issues are.

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