Helping children with ASD develop social skills at home

14 March 2024

Friendships are an important and fulfilling part of life but children and teenagers on the autism spectrum (ASD) find social situations and interactions difficult so can struggle to make friends.

It’s not that children and teenagers with ASD (and particularly those at the milder end of the spectrum) don’t want friends. It’s just that they don’t know how to go about making friends in a successful way. Equally, if they have a friend, it can be a struggle to maintain and manage that friendship. Alis Rowe, the autistic creator of ‘The Girl with the Curly Hair’ talks about how the social energy batteries of people with autism ‘run dry a lot’.

As parents, we want to help our children make and maintain friendships but we have to acknowledge that children and teenagers with ASD may be happier with a quieter social diary and fewer commitments than other children – because they may be less interested but also because it is difficult for them to emotionally manage those interactions to the same extent. Having spent the day at school, navigating the ups and downs of all the different social interactions that take place there, it can be tempting for a child or teenager with ASD to not bother with friends once they finish the school day. So pacing is key and don’t be worried if the social interactions are brief.

Practising and role play

Children and teenagers with ASD need a bit more time and repetition to gain a new skill. Role playing gives your child or teenager the time they need to work through different social situations that they may have trouble with; for example, starting a conversation, inviting someone to join in an activity with them or joining in another person’s activity. Role playing will help them understand facial expressions, body language and work out appropriate responses.

So practising together will help them prepare for new situations and tackle any potential problems or pitfalls in a safe space (with you); for example, ordering a drink in a coffee shop or getting on the bus and talking to the driver. Enrol family members and friends to help your child practice these new skills.

What is a friend?

Children with ASD struggle with abstract concepts like ‘friendship’ so you should be literal when discussing what a friend is. Use simple, clear language to explain ideas like: ‘a friend is someone who treats you nicely’, ‘someone you have fun with’. You can ask questions such as ‘Do you like being with people who say nice things to you?’

Friends like you for who you are
They share things with you
Friends let you join in
They are interested in what you have to say
They can cheer you up when you feel sad
Friends can stand up for you if someone isn’t being nice to you
Friends make you feel good

Find shared interests

Getting together with others who share an interest is a more natural way for children and teenagers to make friends. It’s difficult to become a friend if you have nothing in common.

What are your child’s interests and strengths?
Help your child meet children who enjoy similar things. This could be through a play group, a special interest club at school, an after-school class (eg sport, music, drama)
Look for compatible interests; for example, if your child or teenager likes drawing and painting, find an art class or a child who is interested in art
Make sure the groups are made up of similar-aged children so your child can see and experience age-appropriate behaviour
For teenagers, have a brainstorming session with them to come up with a list of suggestions as to where they might meet friends

Sharing

Some children may not want someone else to touch their favourite things. Explain that sharing is part of friendship. Talk this through with your child before anyone comes over to your house.

For younger children, try activities and games that also encourage co-operative play
For teenagers, try outdoor activities like tennis or indoor ones like baking or playing a video game
If you think your child will struggle to share their belongings, put away the things that they don’t want to share or organise something away from home
Toys and games that encourage sharing (such as puzzles, video games) are a good choice

Conclusion

Nobody can make friends for their child. But you can give your child the opportunities to interact with others, find people with similar interests and support them in developing the social skills to maintain friendships.

We are here to help

We are here to support and care for you as a family. We work with children and teenagers, along with their families, diagnosing and treating those who have developmental disorders like ADHD. As child psychiatrists, we have medical degrees which allow us to prescribe medication (if appropriate) as well as delivering therapy. If you have concerns, do get in touch. We can chat over the phone and establish what the issues are.

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